Staying together through the madness that’s IVF

It is imperative you know what you’re getting in to before you leap in to the roller coaster of fertility treatments. There is of course a HUGE difference between knowing and actually going through the process. But it is preparation and a set of ground rules that can provide you with a cushion on what promises to a super super bumpy ride (hopefully including the bump you want too).

Break the cycle of grief

There’s a new worry at every stage
* TESTS
* INJECTIONS
* EXTRACTIONS
* TRANFSERS
* IMPLANTATIONS
* THE WAIT
It is perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed, stressed, nervous and angry. Moments of happiness seem brief, only to be crowded out by the next tension. It is simply easier take solace in quiet brooding. DON’T.

Talk about it, but not too much

The obvious choice for someone to talk to: your partner. But do respect each other’s coping mechanisms.

One may need to talk a lot more while the other may like to talk less. Discuss, find a middle ground and stick to it.

Limit conversations on the topic to about 30 minutes for each half of the day. This may seem very little, but you do need to have more hours free of fertility talks than the other way round. You may not feel like you want it at the time, but if you don’t, before you know it, you’ll be in free fall, wallowing in self pity and remorse. Now, that can’t be good when you’re trying to get pregnant, can it?

 

Full focus 30 mins

Make sure you are fully focused during the time set aside to discuss treatment-related concerns. You should not have other things like emails, calls, meetings, TV jostling for your attention.

Make a calendar entry if you must. Stick to it. Reschedule the talk if it is absolutely necessary .

But DO NOT become a serial rescheduler or canceller, as the last thing you want is your partner to think you are not as invested in the process.

Nurture your relationship

I just cannot stress this enough, but IT IS your relationship, and not a baby as many may think, that should be your top priority through this madness. Let science take care of the baby, you focus on each other and on being happy.

Unleash the power of rituals

List all the things you like doing together – a movie perhaps every weekend, catching up with common friends, eating out at least once a week – and make sure you keep doing them. Haul yourself out of all the crankiness and obsessive worrying that the treatment will force on you like your life depended on it, and put yourself through the paces. Routines have the power to heal by bringing discipline into situations that are otherwise quite chaotic.

Oh and make sure these timeouts are just that, timeouts. They should be fertility-talk free hours just like they always were.

Fertility treatments: Know before you leap

Infertility does not mean you will never get pregnant.

But it can also mean just that. You may actually never conceive or successfully carry a pregnancy to full term.

The fact is both outcomes are possible and it is important that couples opting for fertility treatments go in with their eyes wide open, aware that the treatment cannot guarantee a baby and careful that in the pursuit of a child they don’t lose the one thing they hold dear – each other. I should know, because we almost screwed up.

It took us four IUIs, two IVFs, a severe hyperstimulation, a chemical pregnancy (yes, that’s a thing) and two miscarriages to wisen up.

Here are a couple of things a wiser me (methinks) put together of what could have helped us keep our sanity. Hoping this keeps someone from losing theirs.

Just for the record, this is the first time I have ventured out from the “dear diary” phase on this extremely personal experience. So the posts will come in fits and starts as I gather my flood of thoughts and commit them to paper, sensibly.

What no one told me and what I wish we knew before we started:

Okay, so I knew this was going to be tough, being pumped up with hormones can’t be easy, and that it would be very expensive. But then didn’t that friend of a friend just have twins, oh and that aunt’s 40-year old niece also just had a baby after 10 rounds of IVF. So I believed it couldn’t be that tough after all and surely a baby would make it worth the trouble.

What I wish I’d known was that it would be tough AF!

There would be pills and vaginal suppositories to take as well as injections (sometimes 2 at a time) to self administer. Add to that innumerable transvaginal scans, blood tests and procedures. General anesthesia is perhaps the best part of it. Your life will come to a stop, while your partner’s will not, at least not as much. You will unfairly grudge him for that (I did and I know many others do too). And then there will be the here-today, gone-tomorrow kind of pregnancies, followed by tears, grumpiness and more tears. Sigh.

Did I make that sound bad enough?

The thing is more time needs to be spent on telling couples about the downsides of the process.

Would it have changed my mind? Hell, no! But maybe, just maybe we would have dealt with the disappointment slightly better, understood each other more, focused a lot on what we had instead of only on what we wanted to have, and emerged on the other side more “with” each other than “without”.

So here are the cons. I won’t mentions the pros, there’s only one and we all know it

It is very intrusive: Fertility treatment is not just any medical procedure. It is very intrusive. I mean, I can’t even begin to tell you just how intrusive it is. For instance, not only is a probe stuck into you month after month, cycle after cycle, but you are also given reminders on when to have sex.

Your life will be put on hold: It will revolve around injections, doctor’s visits, extractions, transfers, scans and then repeat … the list is endless. There’s no way to soften this. It is overwhelming.

Forget holidays: You can’t risk missing any more days of work that you already need to for the various procedures. Also, you cannot afford to spend on travel, not when you’re spending a bomb on IVF!

Ambitions take a backseat: You’re pumped up with hormones and pretty much going bat crazy. You’re confused about how to make time for the treatment without compromising work. Should you tell your boss at work or not? From where I come, you don’t even tell people you are pregnant until the first trimester is over or even later! But with no idea of the fertility treatment, your manager might think you’re slacking off or just very very sick. Imagine the frustration if around the same time a dream job offer comes through. It’ll leave you torn, not being able to take on something new because you cannot give it a 100 percent, but knowing just how much good this would do to your career.

Financial drain: Let’s not even get started. It’s crazy expensive. So no expensive holidays and a huge cut back on shopping.

Losing focus: Baby making becomes the all-consuming focus of your life. If you’re not at the clinic, you’re thinking about your next appointment, you want to know how many eggs survived, how many are viable, after the embryo transfer all you can think about is whether it will stick and it just goes on. Everything else takes a backseat, even your partner. That’s quite ridiculous. After all aren’t you in it so you can start a family with the “partner”? Also, it’s quite silly to ignore the living breathing loving presence of your partner for a baby that may be.

Clinical sex: And then there is this. That’s what it pretty much boils down to, with the clinic even giving you reminder calls to “have sex tonight, but not tomorrow morning”. It kills the spontaneity of the act, makes it boring and can have very disturbing long-term ramifications.

Saw on the worldwide web:

That pretty much sums it up! Here’s my peeve: I just don’t think people realize the extent of what they are getting into and I don’t think doctors/clinics/advisers do enough to convey the message.

All messages are laced with hope, with cliches like be patient, hopeful and persistent and that it’ll happen when it’s right. But they leave the most important message out — that with or without a baby, you matter, you’re valuable and you’re whole.

Fertility treatments may not be worth the wait, but they could be worth trying.

Iceland: 5-days in December

Continued from Winter holiday in Iceland: https://wp.me/p9x8Em-M

Here’s what we did in Iceland last December

Day 1: Golden Circle with a stop at Secret Lagoon

Geyser Strokkur

Read somewhere that if you had only a day to spend in Iceland, then the Golden Circle is what you do. The route actually looks more like a triangle than a circle on the map and took us through the Gulfoss waterfall cascading from dizzying heights, the Þingvellir national park, Geyser Strokkur that erupts every 10 minutes “as if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing” and ended with an absolutely divine soak in the warm geothermal waters of the Secret Lagoon. The tour takes about 7 hours, but add a couple more to account for slow driving over icy roads.

Secret Lagoon

Sunset at the Lagoon

Tip: Driving on ice is tricky, especially when you are not used to it. It’s a good idea to join the many day tours or reserve a private chauffeured car (expensive, but what the hell!). Highly recommend http://www.icelandictaxitours.com/ run by the very friendly and knowledgeable couple – Oli and Sigrun.

Day 2: Bird’s eye view from a chopper

I questioned the sensibility of this plan, but I was wrong. It was a tapestry of colours, like some oil on canvas! Agreed, there are a lot more route options in the summers, but there’s something intensely inspiring about the wild splendour of sweeping glaciers in the white winter months.

So off we went in a stunning black squirrel helicopter over the island’s South coast.  We saw black sand beaches, Heimaey island that was evacuated overnight when a volcano erupted in 1973, as well as the infamous Eyjafjallajökull volcano which last erupted in April 2010 and brought flights across Europe to a halt. We passed by the volcano Hekla which erupts, on average, once every decade and which our pilot very helpfully told us was long overdue! We made two stops, one between three glaciers and the other where there was a lot of geothermal activity.

With the squirrel ‘copter

Tip: Chuck the denim, wear waterproof, fleece-lined pants and proper hiking boots (no trainers). Layer up and stuff hands into gloves. Again, there are lots of helicopter tour providers, but we went with http://www.reykjavikhelicopters.com/

Read more here: https://himanisarkar.wordpress.com/2018/01/08/first-blog-post

Day 3: South coast tour

This can either be a day tour, or a two-day one, depending on what you want from it. We went for the 2^nd option, because we added Ice caving to the mix.

En route from Reykjavik, the tour took us to the Lava Centre (volcano museum), Seljalandsfoss and Skogafoss waterfalls (you can walk behind Seljalandsfoss in the summers, but not winters). The most memorable stop for me was definitely the Reynisfjara Black Sand Beach, with its insanely awesome basalt columns and caves and the very dangerous “sneaker waves”.  Not only is the sand black (volcano lava), the beach is also dotted with varying sizes of shiny black pebbles. We also saw the Dyrholaey (door hole), through which a crazy pilot flew with a small-craft airplane.

The famous Reynisfjara Black Sand Beach

We stayed overnight at a hotel not far from the Vatnajokull glacier, Europe´s biggest, where we would go ice caving the next day.

Day 4:  Ice Caving: A sunny pleasure-dome with caves of ice

Inside the cave (under the glacier!)

Now here is something you can only do in winters! Ice caves are a long time in the making and no two caves are similar. Each fall, after the meltwater of spring has begun to freeze, local guides from the area hunt for new ice caves. Together with the fact that the glacier is retreating and melting at an alarming pace, this explains why the location of the caves changes every year and why every ice cave is unique.

Crampons

Monster truck

Our trip happened on a very cloudy, rainy day. We drove up to the cave in an uber-cool modified monster truck. Once there, we secured our crampons and took a short walk to a narrow cave opening. The cave structure, complete with amazing ice formations and a glacial river that still flowed, albeit thinned to a trickle, was absolutely stunning.  We were led out through another path that required some crawling.

A short crawl to the exit

Tip: Same as the chopper ride, chuck the denim, wear waterproof, fleece-lined pants and proper hiking boots (no trainers) and crampons (available with tour). Layer up and stuff hands into gloves.

Feel free to take a fistful of snow and eat it! We shared one 🙂

Our tour operator: https://guidetoiceland.is/

Day 5: Dogsledding

Okay, so this is not really native to Iceland, it’s more a Greenland, Norway thing. But we hadn’t been to any of the other countries and were not ready to let go of an opportunity when it presented itself.

We were nearly disappointed because of rains the day before and slippery slopes, but boy am I glad that the sun finally chose to shine on d-day. From the transfer service and our driver Katherine’s insights into Icelandic history to the ultimate experience of carting over part snow-part dry land with the furballs and our musher, it was perfect. The best part? Definitely the puppy petting! There was an adorable barn cat too.

Tip: This is a dry or snow option. Both are great, and totally worth it.

Will highly recommend this experience with Holmasel Dogsledding: https://dogsledding.is/

 

Winter holiday in Iceland (itinerary to follow)

If Kubla Khan was scouting for a Xanadu where he could “a stately pleasure-dome decree”, this the perfect place would be!

Iceland.

Seated atop a deep romantic chasm, this cold Arctic spit of island was born of volcanoes and continues to evolve as it births more. Home to perhaps more than 200 volcanoes, a ceaseless turmoil seethes as parts of the Earth’s crust struggle for dominance under Iceland.

This is a land of extremities – with the landscape ranging from black beaches, ragged fjords, lava fields, geysers, bubbling mud pools to active volcanoes and their imposing glacial crowns. It is serene, pristine, intense and dramatic all at once.

It then comes as no surprise that Iceland is suddenly smack dab on everyone’s bucket list. In 2016, it welcomed about 2 million tourists, while its own people number in the three hundred thousands. Locals say Game of Thrones and even Bollywood has had a role to play. However, data indicates that popularity has been on the rise for a while.

The not-so-cold months when the puffins fly in and the country emerges from a deep winter thaw, displaying a vivid and stark contrast of colours, are of course a favourite time of the year to visit Iceland.

But there is something about the untamed wilderness of the winter months that is surreal. The startling orange of the rising sun over the white countryside, light glinting off frozen blades of grass, precarious waterfalls suspended midair, glacial caves that are never the same as the year ago, swans seeking refuge in hot waters pumped into a corner of a large frozen lake and the promise of an aurora borealis sighting that may or may not be met! The puffins are gone, but the shaggy Icelandic horses are there, defiant in the cold winter air.

Iceland was the destination of choice for my first ever winter getaway and let it suffice to say that it was more than the bone-chilling cold that made me catch my breath.

For anyone similarly inclined, here’s what we did in Iceland last December. (to be contd…)

Festive cheer with Krampus

I enjoy planning for holidays, perhaps too much. So believe me when I say that I research the hell out of a place months before a trip. And so imagine my surprise when I saw people lining up on the street outside our hotel in Salzburg, waiting eagerly for something to start, and was clueless as to why!

The venue: Austria
Time of the year: December 5, 2017 (Krampusnacht or Krampus night)
Scene: A crush of people, across all ages, standing on both sides of the street

We first thought there must be a mid-week party at a club/pub or some explosive sale at one of the shops. Don’t judge. Both these draw in huge crowds in Singapore, just try Starbucks on a day they are offering 1+1! In any case, we needed to know. We had to decide whether to join the crowd or catch some zzzs.

I asked a lady what all the fuss was about. In broken English she explained “it” would start at 8 pm. I still had no idea what “it” was. Then with mostly hand gestures, she explained there would be people walking down (parade?) wearing horns (what?).

Unable to make up our minds, I chatted on. The lady said she took a train down to the city every year with her daughters to see this parade. She mentioned “Krampus” which didn’t mean anything to me at the time (nope, hadn’t watched the film nor Grimm). But I figured if it was worth all the trouble for a local, it would definitely be worth it for us.

So we stayed.

Closer to 8 pm, an uneasy silence settled on the street only to be shattered by loud noises as many people dressed like demons walked, jumped, hopped with their chains and cowbells clanging. “Krampus,” the lady said, pointing at the horned, fanged, half-demon and half-goat-like figures. As the parade drew closer, I noticed the crowd shifting, laughing, people trying to get behind others, peeping but keeping a safe distance.

I stood my ground, not sure what to do even as a growing distance from the others put me prominently in front. I wanted to see the parade, but my line of sight was abruptly cut off by glowing eyes and bared fangs barely inches from my face. A Krampus rubbed his claws across my face, struck the back of my legs lightly with a stick and then before I knew what was happening he put his arms on my shoulders and posed for the parade photographer. He then quickly moved on to a shrieking group of teens behind me.

It was relentless thereon.

The Krampus came one after another, each mask more frightening, seeking out the “naughty ones” to use their sticks on. Folklore has it, as I later found out, that Krampus is the not-so-jolly sidekick of St. Nicholas (Santa Claus). While Santa comes bearing gifts for those that have been good, Krampus punishes those that have been bad. But between chasing women and children and smearing black on people’s faces, the Krampus actors made sure they posed for hundreds of selfies.

Krampuslauf (Krampus run) was frightening, I mean see the masks., but it was tonnes of fun too. It ended in the city centre where an actor playing priest handed out toffees to the kids and the not-quite kids!

We brought the curtains down on the evening with happy blackened faces and a mug of Gluhwein, tapping our feet away as drummers drummed up a happy beat in the bustling Christmas market in the square.

Bottom line: Will highly recommend winter visitors to plan around Krampusnacht.

Advice: Crowds in general can be difficult to navigate. Keep your kids close.

Note to self: Do better research next time. Seriously!

 

See this interesting article for Krampus trivia.

 

Iceland: Bird’s eye view

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We already had plans to go ice caving and dog sledding on our winter vacation in Iceland. If it hadn’t been the time of the year when the waters freeze over, we’d have definitely done a beautiful amphibious boat ride too. So when a friend suggested we do a helicopter ride, our reactions ranged from lukewarm (mine) to uber-excited (my husband’s). A chopper ride doesn’t come cheap and then, really, what would we see, a white blanket over everything? But the husband moped. I caved.

Reluctantly, I googled and went with the first name that caught my eye, Reykjavik Helicopters, probably because it was in all CAPS! Their owner/CEO Fridgeir Gudjonsson confirmed my fears: “Right now everything is covered in snow on most routes.” He also said he had no pictures from December tours. Want to know what I read into this? There were no pictures as not many people had done a winter chopper ride because … i t  w a s  j u s t  n o t  w o r t h  i t!

But Fridgeir suggested we do the Volcano Explorer. He said it would be great for photographs with the river beds and coast line in view along with waterfalls, cliffs and glaciers.  I made the reservations. The husband was still sulking so I didn’t have much choice.

Dec. 10 rolled in with a bright orange streak on the horizon and clear skies. Fridgeir drove up on the dot to pick us up. We rode toward the rising sun.  Nothing like a beautiful beginning to set the pace just right, isn’t it? For the first time, I was beginning to feel it might just be worth it. Fridgeir took us to their office, in Iceland’s oldest hangar. Then, after brief worries as the quake monitor registered some tremors, we finally met our captain Thor and his craft – a stunning black squirrel helicopter.

Fridgeir said it was the most beautiful chopper in the country. We agreed.

The chopper took us on a South Coast tour, one we were scheduled to do by road the next day. We saw the black sands along the south coast, Heimaey island that was evacuated overnight when a volcano erupted in 1973, as well as the infamous Eyjafjallajökull volcano which last erupted in April 2010 and brought flights across Europe to a halt. We passed by the volcano Hekla which erupts, on average, once every decade and which our pilot very helpfully told us was long overdue! We made two stops, one between three glaciers and the other where there was a lot of geothermal activity.

It was oh so beautiful. We ran our fingers through warm water as it made its way across ice that was thousands of years old. And we took pictures, lots of them.

It was a tapestry of colours. I knew I’d get an earful from the previously moping husband about not wanting to do this, but I didn’t want to think of it then. I would deal with him later.

For the moment, I busied myself with just loving it all.

The horizon now a bright orange, we flew back in silence